This is about Shares....

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
have $33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you
will have received a $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.


That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!

Husband Wanted

Husband Wanted

A lonely old widow in her 70's decided she wanted to get married again so she
put an ad in her local paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND BEHIND MY BACK ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
1704 CHESTNUT DRIVE.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a gray-haired gentleman, with no arms or
legs sitting in a wheelchair.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow
asked.'Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled and said, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you.

'But you don't have any arms, either!' she snorted. Again the
old man smiled and said, 'Therefore, I can never beatyou.'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?

The old man leaned back in his wheelchair, beamed a big smile, and said, 'I
rang the doorbell, didn't I??'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday!


Thanks Chrisann for the joke

Towels Heads

Click on the picture to make it bigger so that you can read it: ENJOY!!!

Genie

GENIE


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So . . . what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years . . . I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . . a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the damn map again.'

The Man in a Supermarket

A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'.
NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS WHO TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.'
HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'

THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS'

Heaven or Hell

A guy dies and meets St. Peter who tells him, "Look, you've lived a good life, we do things a little differently than what you'd expect. I'm going to let you choose where you'd like to spend eternity. Hear me out, spend a day or two in heaven and in hell and then decide for yourself." The guy chooses heaven first and finds it beautiful and pleasant, the choirs of heaven singing, animals getting along, streets paved with gold. Nice.

"OK," St. Peter says. "Now spend a few days in hell." There the guy enjoys endless beach volleyball games, parties that last forever, many of his friends are there (naturally), beautiful people everywhere all laughing at his jokes, front row NBA finals tix, you name it. He rushes back to St. Peter and says, "I can't believe I'm saying this but I choose to live the eternities in hell."

He's dispatched back to Hades where he finds brimstone and burning lakes, miserable people chained to each other, and endless whippings from Satan. "Heyyy, what gives?" he yells at Lucifer, "Last week I was here and it was all fun and games and pretty women and partying!"

"Last week you were a recruit," Satan responds. "This week you're an employee!"

A Cowboy

A couboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck, he says to himself. 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he say to the cowboy, "What's the name of your manhood?

The cowboy says, "Look, i'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

The guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because "it Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex? The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately? The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY...."Like a Rock!. And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my will is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!