Genie

GENIE


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So . . . what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years . . . I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . . a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the damn map again.'

The Man in a Supermarket

A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'.
NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS WHO TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.'
HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'

THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, NO I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS'

Heaven or Hell

A guy dies and meets St. Peter who tells him, "Look, you've lived a good life, we do things a little differently than what you'd expect. I'm going to let you choose where you'd like to spend eternity. Hear me out, spend a day or two in heaven and in hell and then decide for yourself." The guy chooses heaven first and finds it beautiful and pleasant, the choirs of heaven singing, animals getting along, streets paved with gold. Nice.

"OK," St. Peter says. "Now spend a few days in hell." There the guy enjoys endless beach volleyball games, parties that last forever, many of his friends are there (naturally), beautiful people everywhere all laughing at his jokes, front row NBA finals tix, you name it. He rushes back to St. Peter and says, "I can't believe I'm saying this but I choose to live the eternities in hell."

He's dispatched back to Hades where he finds brimstone and burning lakes, miserable people chained to each other, and endless whippings from Satan. "Heyyy, what gives?" he yells at Lucifer, "Last week I was here and it was all fun and games and pretty women and partying!"

"Last week you were a recruit," Satan responds. "This week you're an employee!"

A Cowboy

A couboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck, he says to himself. 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he say to the cowboy, "What's the name of your manhood?

The cowboy says, "Look, i'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'

The guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because "it Really Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX.' The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex? The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately? The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY...."Like a Rock!. And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my will is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!