Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene


Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the h#ll is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Grandmom's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing
with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up
and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that
Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix
the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son
is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her
boyfriend.'


THE MINISTER FAINTED

How God Created Maryland

God was missing for six days. On the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found him - resting. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet" replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, he said, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and asked, "What's that one?" "That's Maryland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, ocean, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?

You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Right next to Maryland is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Gotta Pee

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with
a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

This is about Shares....

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
have $33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you
will have received a $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.


That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American!

Husband Wanted

Husband Wanted

A lonely old widow in her 70's decided she wanted to get married again so she
put an ad in her local paper.
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND BEHIND MY BACK ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
1704 CHESTNUT DRIVE.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the
door to see a gray-haired gentleman, with no arms or
legs sitting in a wheelchair.

'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow
asked.'Just look at you...you have no legs!'
The old gentleman smiled and said, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you.

'But you don't have any arms, either!' she snorted. Again the
old man smiled and said, 'Therefore, I can never beatyou.'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed?

The old man leaned back in his wheelchair, beamed a big smile, and said, 'I
rang the doorbell, didn't I??'

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday!


Thanks Chrisann for the joke

Towels Heads

Click on the picture to make it bigger so that you can read it: ENJOY!!!